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There is no joy in my father's life since my sister died two years ago. He has little interest in normal activities and has withdrawn from friends and family. I've suggested counseling but he refuses and insists, 'There's nothing wrong with me. Just leave me alone already." What can I do?
Panic often lurks behind the refusal to go forward. It is reminiscent of the ancient Israelites after crossing the Red Sea, begging to return to the slavery of Egypt. At that fearsome moment, they would have chosen the bondage they knew for an unknown land and unforeseen future. Just like the Israelites, many of the bereaved, especially men, often refuse vital support at a time when they need it most. They feel there is no initiative to go forward and they remain mired in yesterday's adversities. These suggestions may help: Don't argue. Telling your father that "it's time he snap out if it and pull himself together" will not make him change. Such statements can be counter-productive and create in'creased tensions and frustration.
Acknowledge the trauma in his life. The death of a beloved child can profoundly affect him in every wayemotionally, physically, cognitively, spiritually, and behaviorally. There is the peril of serious depression when systems shut down in response to overload. Tell him that seeking help is a sign of courage, not weakness. Men often resist treatment because they deny they are depressed. They may believe that depression is a woman's disease. Wrong! Julie Totten, founder of Families for Depression Awareness, states, "Men experience depression probably as much as women, but they aren't diagnosed:' Let your father know that seeking guidance does not signify that he is crazy or mentally ill. Rather, it is his affirmation of courage
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that he is now willing to forge ahead with life.
Do your homework. Don't wait until he finally accedes to counseling. Be prepared with referrals. Find people who could offer him support now, such as a personal physician or c1ergyperson. You might also ask around for good counselors and find out what insurance companies they are affiliated with. Hospices, family service agencies, mental health clinics, and local hospitals could serve as a useful resource for grief counselors and support groups.
Watch for worsening symptoms.
Being stuck in intolerable grief for a period of time can be serious and sometimes fatal. Men are at a higher risk for self-destructive behavior and suicide than women. If ever you believe that your father is in imminent danger, call 911, your local hospital, or suicide prevention hotline for immediate help.
Accept your limitations. The painful truth is that you can't "fix" a loved one in need. You are only in charge of your life (and then, only sometimes).
Seek your own emotional support.
Not surprising Iy, many caregivers become depressed themselves. Remember, you are not only trying to be a support to your father. You are also in mourning! If you collapse under the strain, you will not be a support for yourself or your father.
Find a balance of giving to yourself as you give to others. Find a respite and support for yourself, whether it is a walk on the park or sessions with a counselor. You will find that with help and time, your mood will improve. Then there will be better days ahead for both of you .•
Earl A. Grollman, DHL, DD, is a rabbi, a pioneer in the study of death and dying, and the author of 26 books on crisis intervention.
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